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...a..s..h..l..e..y...

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a letter to the keeper of the estate.	[Jul. 30th, 2006\|12:55 am]
To: you know who you are Well i guess thats just fine. Your going to forget and then die and Becky will get them and i'll have nothing to remember her by. Or you can be buried with them for all a fucking care. i guess i wasnt alive long enough to get to know her and she wasnt sane enough to get to know me so i guess i really dont need anything to remember her by. thats just fucking fine. i'll just be left with the failing memrories because i wasnt old enough at the time to remember what else she had before everyone else swollowed up what they wanted and even if i did want anything else its not like i have a house to display anything in. even though she said i can have whatever i want because i was the baby. fine keep them from me. dont trust me. dont even give me one of the three she had.. i dont care. i'll just pertend like this isnt bothering me beacuse i dont know how to bring it up without sounding like a golddigger, even though i'm not the type of person that would think about doing anything disrespectful to them. thats just great. i'll pretend i dont feel like this and you'll be none the wiser. everyone else can look at what they have and remember the good times and i'll just sit back and try to remember a time where she wasnt acting crazy. dad trusts me enough but you dont. fine i'll live with that until the desease eats me alive too. thanks. signed: me.
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(no subject)	[Jul. 21st, 2006\|10:35 pm]
uh oh. there is no reason i should be thinking this. its never going to work. damn. just my luck and i don't even really know everything but somehow it doesnt matter.
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hey jealousy

[Apr. 6th, 2006|06:33 pm]

[

Current Music

Hey Jealousy by the GIn Blossums

]

Tell me do you think it'd be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy

things have changed. but i like whats changed. i didnt know what to expect and i came out with the feeling of wanting more. no idea what the other thought. maybe had a good time. hopfully. i'm not specualting. everything was much different. it was great. i felt comfortable for the first time ever around you. maybe i'm growing up. maybe i'm more confident. i do know i still get butterflies. i do know i still think about you. i do know i didnt want it to end. i do know that i was very happy you came out with me. i am sure i have feelings for you still, even though we are two different people now. but i like the person you are now. i'm stuck. "all of my life where have you been i'm wondering if i could ever see you again and if that day comes i know we could win i wonder if i could ever see you again." i'm back at square one, still cant get stop thinking about it. i've never had feelings like this for anyone.

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i bet	[Jan. 29th, 2006\|11:08 am]
i bet that if i moved away, and just stopped talking to everyone... like i stopped IMing people and calling people that no one would realize i'm gone. better yet i bet no one would miss me. it seems like the only way i have "friends" (and you bet your ass i'm using metal horn quotes for that) is because i make the effort to IM then, or call them, or want to hang out with them. i mean i know they are busy but its like i'm always the one to make,or try to make plans or conversation. i bet i could disappear and no one would care.
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(no subject)	[Dec. 29th, 2005\|09:44 pm]
i'm in a bad mood. work is going well but it is hardly doing anything to get my mind of someone. i'm stupid for letting myself get caught up with this. why do i even bother anymore? its because i'm hoping one day you'll talk to me how you used to. all sweet and savy and trying to get me to hang out with you. hard to believe that its been so long. even though i think you only wore it for a week, or maybe it was just the week i was around you but i can pick up the smell of adidas moves at 30 paces, i swear. i just wish i was around you.
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hopless........	[Nov. 19th, 2005\|02:34 am]
i'm a walking country song.... Why am I stuck in this stupid loop with you. Why did I have to fall for you. Why can you be so nice to me one min and then just as cold as ice. Why cant I just tell you how you feel. Better yet why cant we just have a conversation. I know everyone that knows me thinks they know who I’m talking about but trust me, only one person really knows. Its been what five years since we first met. I’ve been in love with you ever since. And I blame myself for it not going perfect then. I was too distant and I couldn’t let you in. I was too scared of really being hurt but I ended up getting hurt anyway. Five years of hurt. Yeah we’ve had flings and yeah I’ve even said I’ve gotten over you but truth is I never have. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to hate you. I’ve tried to stop talking to you but I don’t know I’m retarded I cant. I remember everything we’ve ever done together, even the little things that don’t matter. Believe me reading what I’m writing, I sound psychotic. I have no idea how you feel about me. I’m scared that I missed my chance but somehow I already know I have. I want a real chance. I want the happy perfect relationship I’ve been thinking of since I first saw you when you came to pick me up from work. I have no idea why I’m so drawn to you. I know in the past you’ve probably thought that you’re the person I run to when I have no one else, I know I’ve felt that way about you. But you’re not. You’re the one I want to be with but it never seems like you want to be with me for more than a day. I hate how you remind me so much of john cusak. It completely ruins any movie I want to watch with him in it. I hate how I still dream about you. I hate how whiney I sound. I hate how you’re never going to read this. I hate how I’m never going to have that perfect movie moment when you realize hey she is the one I want to be with. I hate how we just cant talk normally for more than a week without one of us becoming a wall. I know I do it because I’m scared. I’m scared you’re using me. I’m scared that the fluttering feeling I get when I do talk to you. I’m scared that fluttering feeling will never go away. I’m scared that you’re just going to stop talking to me forever. I mean its been 11 months since I’ve last seen you and I just cant wait any longer, but I have to. I’m scared of what you would say if I told you all this. I’m scared I missed out. I know we’ve had our flings whatever but I don’t think I was ready to let my guard down, but I am now and now I feel like I’ve missed the boat. And I regret never doing anything about it sooner. And I know its my fault if I have. It amazing that we still talk even now, the little that we do. I don’t know how to take that. I wish we would talk more. I wish I could see you more. I wish I wasn’t 20 going on 13. I wish I knew what I was to you, if anything. I hate myself for feeling like I’ve messed it up forever. I wish I didn’t want you. I wish I could get over you. But seriously I don’t know how. After 5 years I haven’t figured it out. This was much better when I wrote it yesterday before I lost it. Now its just me being a whiney bitch. What the hell afk, look what you’ve done to me. I wish you even knew all this. I wish we had a talk or something, but who’s to say I could even say it if given the chance? Who’s to say I haven’t said something like it before but you miss took it for something else? Who’s to say you’d even give it a second thought? I wish you felt the same way about me. I wish I could go back, and I know I’m dwelling but really I don’t know what else to do. I’ve dated other people and everything, and you’re always in my head. Always. Even at inopportune times. GAH! Lexus03pb: no one is talking to me Lexus03pb: wtf MetalMistress322: no one is talking to me either haha but your the only one on MetalMistress322: :-P Lexus03pb: lol MetalMistress322: so i'm writing a blog instead lol cuz i'm that kid Lexus03pb: i've never written a blog i am scared to break that virginity MetalMistress322: hahaha its ok it only hurts a little MetalMistress322: you may bleed Lexus03pb: OMG MetalMistress322: hahaha Lexus03pb: that was funny MetalMistress322: hahahahahaha MetalMistress322: i try MetalMistress322: are you doing it Lexus03pb: no MetalMistress322: lol oh you dont want an audience? Lexus03pb: i dont have anything good to day Lexus03pb: say Lexus03pb: nothing worth reading MetalMistress322: ahh i see i see Lexus03pb: am i just supposed to talk bout random ness Lexus03pb: like what i did yesterday or somehting MetalMistress322: its your blog do whatever you want MetalMistress322: what is someone gonna say, your doing it wrong? Lexus03pb: lol yeah Lexus03pb: like i got the wrong rhytem Lexus03pb: hahahah Lexus03pb: sorry Lexus03pb: i am a little tipsey MetalMistress322: hahahahaha MetalMistress322: i wish i was MetalMistress322: boy i wish i was puking in your bathroom right now MetalMistress322: there mines done MetalMistress322: please read it and help me haha Lexus03pb: what? MetalMistress322: read my blog Lexus03pb: who are u talking abotu MetalMistress322: *!@# Lexus03pb: oh Lexus03pb: awwww Lexus03pb: if i was that boy i'd run to you with open arms MetalMistress322: you know collectivly if you've added up al the dating and one nights and cheating we've only seen each other like 30 days max MetalMistress322: in five years MetalMistress322: but the first time i saw him i was like damn MetalMistress322: i'm trying to find a picture so you can see what he looks like Lexus03pb: there MetalMistress322: what Lexus03pb: ahhh that felt goo Lexus03pb: d MetalMistress322: ? Lexus03pb: i just lost my blog virginity Lexus03pb: lets celebrate MetalMistress322: hahahahaha MetalMistress322: ok MetalMistress322: hahaah you finalyl rode a bull Lexus03pb: HELL YEAH Lexus03pb: WILL YOU POST TO MAKE ME FEEL SPECUAL Lexus03pb: SPECIAL Lexus03pb: LIKE Lexus03pb: I BET YOU RODE THAT BULL LIKE I PRO YOU FRISKY KITTEN Lexus03pb: no dont say that Lexus03pb: lol MetalMistress322: hahahahaha MetalMistress322: i did post Lexus03pb: lol Lexus03pb: aww Lexus03pb: marry him MetalMistress322: I WANT TO Lexus03pb: you have to tell hom Lexus03pb: him Lexus03pb: be blunt Lexus03pb: thats the only way to be in live Lexus03pb: life MetalMistress322: omg paige, we were bf/gf for only a week and during that week we were at kamrt when i was 17 and he was 18 and we were in the christmas section bcuz it was dec. and he turns to me and goes will you marry me and i said sure and i ment it Lexus03pb: omg Lexus03pb: call him now Lexus03pb: and be like Lexus03pb: i really like you Lexus03pb: i want to be with you MetalMistress322: but now when we talk its hey, hey, whats up, nothing you busy tomrrow and he goes yea and then signs off.. THATS IT MetalMistress322: he enver answers his phone when i call and i dont want to seem... psychotic MetalMistress322: and i dream about him all the time and my heart flutters when he signs online and GOD i havent even seen him since jan Lexus03pb: you have to tell him MetalMistress322: i'm too scared Lexus03pb: he might be somewhat ignorning you b/c he is scared like you Lexus03pb: think about it this way MetalMistress322: and he wont return my call so its like i'm talking to myself MetalMistress322: i think he hates me MetalMistress322: he flip flops one week hardcore hittin on next week iceman Lexus03pb: if it is MEANT TO BE it was happen no matter what you do....so to know now, so you can stop wondering, wishing, wanting, you have to tell himhow you feel Lexus03pb: thats what i did about bryan, we got things figured out, we are still close, but i was able to move onl Lexus03pb: but who knows, he could be like omg ash, i feel the same MetalMistress322: i mean i just dont knwo why we keep going back to each other but nothing ever comes out of it except one night of hand holding and kissing and then no more talking for weeks and weeks Lexus03pb: he is scared like you Lexus03pb: take the initiative Lexus03pb: seriously MetalMistress322: but if i were to tell him i'd want to do it in person buthe alwasy says he is busy and never tells me when he isnt Lexus03pb: so tell him online Lexus03pb: you cant spend more months like this if he doesnt feel the same way MetalMistress322: i told himsunday that i missed him and he didnt say anything Lexus03pb: you have to be fair to yourself Lexus03pb: you can assume anything until you ask MetalMistress322: ask what? Lexus03pb: not ask Lexus03pb: tell MetalMistress322: can i have your children an dbe your wife Lexus03pb: hahaha MetalMistress322: my parents hate him Lexus03pb: you need to tell him everything u told me MetalMistress322: just read the blog verbatum? Lexus03pb: yea Lexus03pb: basically Lexus03pb: dont hold back Lexus03pb: lol Lexus03pb: tell him Lexus03pb: thats all i am going to say MetalMistress322: i want to do it in person but this week he is being impossible Lexus03pb: just do it.. MetalMistress322: how if he wont set a date to see me Lexus03pb: then write him MetalMistress322: i wrote him an email sunday because before he said he wanted to make me dinner so in the email i said if the dinner thign is still on the table i want to take you up on it and he never wrote back Lexus03pb: maybe he tries not to see you b/c he likes you so much but he thinks you dont like him, so he doesnt wanna hurt himself by seeing you knowind u dont feel the same MetalMistress322: i hate how you are a hopless romantic haha Lexus03pb: tell him everything MetalMistress322: becuz i wish it was true Lexus03pb: seriously Lexus03pb: hahahaha Lexus03pb: i know MetalMistress322: i'm so posting this conversation in my blog hahaha Lexus03pb: do it Lexus03pb: haha MetalMistress322: i will Lexus03pb: fix my typos Lexus03pb: haha MetalMistress322: i mean omg i wish i had time to tell you how we first hun gout MetalMistress322: its soooo from a movie Lexus03pb: hahahhahahaha MetalMistress322: that didnt end good haha Lexus03pb: awwwwwwwww Lexus03pb: lol MetalMistress322: i mean ok bare with me i'm going to tell you... Lexus03pb: just do it Lexus03pb: do it Lexus03pb: do it Lexus03pb: do it Lexus03pb: then maybe you will do it Lexus03pb: :-) MetalMistress322: ok so when i was 13 or 14 i was in chruch classes (ccd) i was a freshman and me and my friend katey would always like glance at the hott boys in our class cuz you know we were 13 and 14 soooo this boy (i didnt knwo who he was) he was like the ultimate cool. he was soooo hot, he had a shaved head and bangs that he spiked and wow. he serisouly was the reason i went to class sad to say. i never talked to him becuase what chance did i have.... so THEN 2 years later...... Lexus03pb: well i ahve to go to bed MetalMistress322: NO Lexus03pb: oh let me read MetalMistress322: i'm telling you Lexus03pb: yeah MetalMistress322: so 2 years later i'm online talking to a friend and she goes here is this sn talk to this boy so i was like ...uhhhh ok, so in the process of talking to him wouldnt you know holy shit, he's was in my ccd class 2 years before, and HOLY SHIT its the boy i had a crush on MetalMistress322: soooooo the next day or two later he picks me up from work and i swear to god he walked in and i nearly died. MetalMistress322: then we went out for a week and then we broke up Lexus03pb: tell him Lexus03pb: thats all i have tio say MetalMistress322: and after that its just been a night here, a night there, i cheated on phil with him.... three times... and just random conversations online MetalMistress322: thats it Lexus03pb: thats all that needs to be said Lexus03pb: tell him how u feel MetalMistress322: i dont want to tell him on IM MetalMistress322: and i never talk to him on the phone Lexus03pb: next time i talk to you, u better ghave written him an email or something MetalMistress322: and if i'm going to tell him i want itto be in person so i at least get a hug before he never talks to me again and thinks i'm a looney Lexus03pb: send him an e-mail Lexus03pb: omg MetalMistress322: OH MY GOD Lexus03pb: so tell him parctially so he wants to meet up with u MetalMistress322: i'm going crazy MetalMistress322: omg MetalMistress322: how Lexus03pb: i am freezing and tired..............just be like.......i really want/need to see you, i have to talk to you about somehting really imporatnt Lexus03pb: and if youre chicken to say that MetalMistress322: just say i'm naked and easy MetalMistress322: haha Lexus03pb: then go get a bottle of vodka...or tequila (my faves)....swill a little bhit Lexus03pb: then tell him MetalMistress322: i have no tequilla Lexus03pb: he will all come out like a beautiful waterfall in the amazon MetalMistress322: i wish i did man Lexus03pb: i mean it Lexus03pb: no he Lexus03pb: hahahahhahahah MetalMistress322: hahahahahaahahahaahahaha Lexus03pb: ok the wire in my bra is now poking me in the breast and i am cold and tired MetalMistress322: haha i hate that Lexus03pb: me too Lexus03pb: goodnight, i love you, i expect to hear some progress MetalMistress322: hahaha MetalMistress322: i love you too MetalMistress322: we need to get drunjk MetalMistress322: so i can forget MetalMistress322: my name Lexus03pb: goodnihgt, sweet sexy spicy dreams Lexus03pb: oh hell yea Lexus03pb: come here MetalMistress322: oh THEY ARE Lexus03pb: anytime MetalMistress322: believe me Lexus03pb: (expec the 3rd:-)) MetalMistress322: hahaha Lexus03pb: message me Lexus03pb: love you goodnight MetalMistress322: love you MetalMistress322: nighty Lexus03pb direct connection is closed. Lexus03pb is away at 2:21:35 AM. you got the best of me, oh cant you see?
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ghost	[Nov. 3rd, 2005\|12:10 am]
i think i saw a ghost today. not a real one i'm not that gullable...but a ghost from my past.. granted i did not see his face but the height, clothes and mannerisms all pointed to "crazy". i'm not going to lie but i got scared and jolted at teh same time. everything is a mess.
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unforgettable...thats NOT what i am	[Oct. 1st, 2005\|10:49 am]
k so, what the hell makes me soooo able to be forgotten quickly? or when i'm going out with someone, how come i am just never on their mind. i mean my relationsip before this, well that was a shoe in for disaster but this one too? i did not see this coming and i def. did not see this happening again. i mean the same excuses, its like i am the most insignificant person that ever walked the earth. i mean at least this one started out as a nice guy... key word started out. i thikn the worst thing to be is an asshole underneath a nice guy. or maybe i jsut bring out the worst in people. if you think you're a nice guy you're probably full of shit. i just cannot believe this is spiralling out of control much like the other one did. i thought i was past that. i thought i was with someone who cared about me (until recently i would have believed this... not anymoer due to recent weeks) its like bam, all of a sudden i'm not worth anything. all of a sudden i'm not liked. all of a sudden the past months were just a joke to pass the time. all of a sudden i'm cast aside, but dont worry i'm still a great girl (wow has there ever been such an 'i hate you please leave' comment... i think not.) i just want to move and start over. better yet i dont even want to tell anyone that i'm going. i just want to up and leave. then maybe a year or 2 down the line when people notice i'm not around, well then it will be too late. too late to try to fix things, to late to try to talk about things, too late to say i'm important. i didnt think i needed to learn the "i'm an asshole guy" routine again. i dealt with that for 2 years almost to the day. i was ready for a nice guy that would take care of me and treat me like the most precious thing ever made. i was ready for a normal relationship. where the fuck did that go...? what is soooo wrong with me that people can just give up and forget?
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RIP	[Jul. 16th, 2005\|02:13 am]
RIP I was reminded of the book about ducks crossing the road last night. all the little ducklings lined up behind the parent. only we arent ducks, we are people in cars. i cant tell you how many other times i've driven down that road. On this night however, i'm only reminded of one. i was 3 or 4, it was christmas eve and we were driving back to ashby from my grandmother's house on the corner of fitchburg and every. it was cold and there was no snow on the ground. i was looking at the moon. a bright silver moon. all i could think of was were is santa. i was completly convinced that if i looked hard enough in the dark night sky that i could find him. Tummy full of good food and fun toys i guess i fell asleep. that is the last christmas i remember having at my grandmother's house. she became sick shortly after. she would not be well again. her mind was deleting precious memories, actions, functions. she would never be the grammy i remembered again. the high class socialite with a flair for good clothes and good sweets. gone. she has been sick for about 15 years with a disease with no cure and no limits. she coudlnt take care of herself, we couldnt take care of her. when i was 8 she went to a nursing home, the very same one we were leaving last night. no longer a granddaughter, no longer a face to a name, no longer a distant memnory we sat and waited and told her it was ok to give up, we wouldnt hold it against her. she held on, for what we woudlnt know. no longer able to remember how to caugh, or feed herself, or move. we sat and waited and wondered if we all had teh same gene. we all know that we do. driving home i wonder how long i will remember faces, names, memories. how long will it be till i'm the one in bed, DNR and gasping? today there is no change. still gasping, still in pain, still waiting for what we do not know. hours go by, seconds between breaths go by. we wait. glances on nurses faces only drive home what we know will soon be. sit. wait. it became time to leave. i said goodbye to my grammy knowing it was the last time i would ever see her alive. i have come to terms with that. i was not sad. more thankful that her suffering will soon be over. she hasnt been my grammy for a long time. she hasnt known my face in 10 years. she hasnt remembered my name in 5. she hasnt been my grammy, not mine, not the one i remember when i was 3. the call came at 8:30. she was gone. her suffering was done. i cried a little, not that she is gone, she has been goen for some time. i cried for all the memories me and my sister share of all the good times that were so short lived. i cry because only we remember those memories. does she even know how much we loved her till the end? does she even know we still remember her even though she didnt remember us? its hard to say. i'm not sad she passed. i'm glad. no one deserves to live like that. no one shoudl feel that much pain for that long. no one should have to sit through their whole life being washed away. she waited for her last grandchild to see her. last out of four. although teh rest of teh grandchildren have known her for 20+ years, i cant say i am at a disadvantage. teh 3 years i spend with my grammy, when she was my grammy, were the best a granddaughter could ask for. rest in peace grammy. i love you. you didnt fail us, we all understand.
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(no subject)	[Jun. 23rd, 2005\|05:24 pm]
my first time babysitting the niece alone. wish me luck.
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(no subject)	[Jun. 17th, 2005\|10:06 am]
mmmmmmmmmmmmm batman mmmmmmmm christian bale
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(no subject)	[Jun. 6th, 2005\|03:12 pm]
yes i am still alive for those who care. i moved in with my sister and it is good. the baby is good. john is good. nothing important has happend really. i miss everyone even though i barely saw anyone. but i'm on lunch have have more journl reading to do. choa!
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important	[May. 20th, 2005\|05:14 pm]
my sister and pete are getting a divorce. apparently when one is depressed he runs to home reckers and alcohol for safty instead the confort of his wife and 2 month old baby. i say good riddence. i know people can change over time but i think you would know that things werent going to work out after 7 years of being together and one and a half years of marrage BEFORE you decided to have children and buy a house. in other new i will be moving to swanzey new hampshire to live with my sister in her NEW HOUSE. i dont know when but most likely soon.
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what the fuck	[May. 16th, 2005\|12:48 am]
i cannot believe how much of a joke the sanctity of marriage has become. i have lost all respect for you and you are not gaining it back. not from me. this isnt high school anymore. this isnt something to throw around and you picked a bad fucking time to forget that. you are scum.
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(no subject)	[May. 3rd, 2005\|02:42 pm]
now this is good eatin http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7720569/?GT1=6542
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(no subject)	[Apr. 22nd, 2005\|10:43 pm]
jelloiswrong: awwwwww jelloiswrong: i heart babies MetalMistress322: she is really cute MetalMistress322: she sleeps alot during the day hahaha beck has to wake her up every hour to feed jelloiswrong: how does she sleep at night MetalMistress322: she sleeps some jelloiswrong: thats good jelloiswrong: lets eat her gotta love her too
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(no subject)	[Apr. 22nd, 2005\|07:54 pm]
nikkibabe03: your elipticle wanted me to tell you to cheer up. it remmebers when it was just a hunk of metal, and the future seemed so bleak. but it worked at it, and after a little while it became the beautiful elipticle it is today. it told me to tell you not to lose hope, it's there to help you. it would give you a hug if it could, but then you'd probably stop using it and hand it over to the government to be studied like some alien piece of aerobic excersise equipment. i said 'no she wouldn't ' but it stood firm, so i promised i'd tell you it wanted to give you a hug. and also to dust it once in a while afterall it has to see people too. gotta love her.
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NEICE	[Apr. 19th, 2005\|05:09 pm]
my neice, Sydney Elizabeth, was born at 11:40 this morning. she weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces and was 18 inches long... awwwwwwww cutie...
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what the fuck, over...

[Apr. 18th, 2005|07:57 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	pissed off	]
[	Current Music	\|	Motley Cure "Wild Side", Oasis "Wonderwall"	]

i shouldnt have anything to be mad about. i shouldnt have anything tobe depressed about. yet still, every morning its a fight to get myself out of bed.

i just cant believe i let myself go so much. i think to myself "self, why does john like you so much, look at you.. you gained 20 pounds since highschool, why does he like a fat cow like you when he could easily get a skinny one that would match him?" its stupid i know. "you're beautiful" people say. its hard to feel beautiful when all teh clothes you used to look good in makes you look like a joke.

when i was little i used to looke at the mismatched couples, you know the ones... fat chick skinny guy, and wonder, wow she must crush him in bed, why does he like her? personallity really doesnt matter. phooey.

i mean i can bitch about this.. i dont think i eat alot, i do my eliptical machine.. what the fuck where is my instant gradifacation? so far instead of loosing weight i've gained 5 more pounds. what the fuck. i really feel like no matter what i do i cant loose weight. not unless i stop eating like i did 3 years ago. its so hard to do that now though. i really wish our society wasnt so controlled by image and weight.

i mean john always tells me i'm beautiful, but i dont feel beautiful i feel gross. every time i eat i just get more and more mad at myself. i wish i could be one of those chubby people that likes being chubby and feels comfortable in their own skin. i dont feel comfortable. i used to look so good. god damn you phil for breaking me down so much and making me feel so worthless that i stupidly turned to food to make me feel better. god damn you mother fucker. i should have been stronger. i should have had more reserve. what the fuck. i really feel like i will never look how i used to. i feel hopless.

i cant beleive how caddy i've gotten. i hate looking in the mirror. i hate having to leave my room like this. i hate how i worked so hard not eating to look good and i let it go to waste. i hate how john tells me i'm beautiful and i feel guilty for not being as beautiful as i once was. i hate me. i hate how he's not here right now. i hate how i want to do everything i like to do, like go to the beach or lay in the sun but i'm too god damn self councious to be seen in a bathing suit. hell i dont even like my boyfriend seeing me in anything but clothes, which makes things difficult. he says he understands but i hate seeing myself like this. i hate having to subject other people to this. i wish i had a nice body so he could brag about me. i wish he had soemthing to brag about me. oh yeah what a nice personallity. bullshit. it's an act. darkness has become my friend once again.

what the fuck...over

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